Life's Bluff

The world is a beautiful place. But life... life has a funny way of presenting to you on a platter everything you ever wanted, giving you but a taste, and then ripping it away from you in an instant. And then it kicks you when you're down. It's all just a big bluff. Life demands your full attention, it covers your whole world in a dark and cloudy veil, and soon you can't see anything, you stop appreciating everything. Not even the blatantly beautiful is beautiful.

Recently, this is what has been happening to me. It's hard to explain, but, I just got so caught up in the trials and tribulations on my life, I actually forgot to keep living it. I forgot to do what I normally do; walk slowly, smell the fresh air, listen to the birds, appreciate the bright blue sky.

You know many weeks ago, I posted a quote by Mohinder Suresh (from Heroes), "The First Blush in Winter". It was about having this sense of a moment, a moment of change, like a feeling in the air. Tension that thickens the atmosphere, ever present is the feeling that something's got to give. And after this moment, everything changes. Like the proteins of an egg under the heat of fire, the whole structure of your life - everything you had worked for, everything that you thought you were, that you thought you could be - changes. Once the proteins have denatured, there's no going back. You can't rewrite the past, and you can't turn that hard boiled egg back into liquid.

So anyway, if you could pin-point that exact moment in your past, and if you could go back in time, and change it... would you? Ironically, a few days after I posted "The First Blush in Winter", that moment occurred in my life. The moment where, had I acted a little differently, said a few more things, my whole life could have been so completely different, and better. Yes, I would travel back into the past, to that moment which I have identified, and I would tell myself to act differently. To be braver. To not be so naive, so utterly naive.

I know it is stupid, and dangerous to dwell on the past like this. That boat has sailed; that life is now but a distant memory, and the last slivers of hope are now fading away. But I got so caught up in it. I was so invested. It's hard to just forget everything that has happened, and I just can't help but kick myself with the thoughts of how things could have been.

So now comes the time to make my decision. Play my move. Do I hold on, hope, pray that what has just transpired is not what it seems? Pretend that this morning I woke up to a bad dream, and soon I will wake up to a brighter world? Or do I move on? Accept my punishments? Let this be a release to free my ever-so-weary mind? Yes! That's what I'll do. I'll call life's bluff. Take this as a lesson, learn from it, never make those mistakes again, and start enjoying life for what is already there, and not what could be.

Maybe that moment hasn't occurred yet. Maybe that moment is now...